Can God Really Help You?

Marriage is God's idea. It was meant to be the ultimate loving relationship, not a battle ground. 

In the beginning God created Adam. He said that it wasn't good for him to be alone so he created the perfect mate for him, Eve. It was God's intention that the man and woman left their parents and became joined together as one. He said that they became one flesh. Jesus reiterated this. When God looks at a married couple he sees one being, two people completely entwined in spirit, soul and body.

If lived out as God intended marriage should be the ultimate fulfilling relationship. There is no better relationship other than one with God.

How wonderful this sounds! Unfortunately, as so many know, this is not the reality. Why not? Why do we find it so hard to make a success of the very relationship that is meant to bless and fulfill us? Is there anything we can do once it starts to fall apart?

I believe that, with God's help, it is possible to put even the most broken marriage back together. Even if you are not on the verge of splitting up, but are just struggling along, or things were never actually that great in the first place, you can still bring your marriage back to the wonderful relationship God intended it to be.

How?

Start by imagining a line drawn along the floor. Imagine this line represents the perfect relationship and behaviour within marriage, God is on that line. You and your spouse are intended to be right up to that line, joined together, going through life as friends, allies and lovers. Together you are an almighty force, whatever comes against you, you stand together, united in each other and God. Maybe once you felt that you were on that line, or maybe you feel that even when you married you were off center.

You see, the problem is, we all step away from that line. Each step away takes us further from our spouse. The gap becomes filled with accusations (she never does this, he never does that), other relationships (children, parents, friends, work colleagues), bad attitudes (I'm not doing that for them because they never do anything for me), lies, wrongful sexual urges, work, hobbies, resentment, bitterness and arguments. With each step away, there becomes more room for all the bad things to find space to grow. Until one day you can barely see each other, and to be perfectly honest you don't even care that much. Most of the time it just creeps up on you, a cancerous growth out to destroy your marriage.

If any of this sounds familiar, the good news is that it is never too late to start putting things back together. However, here's the hard bit......it has to start with you (ouch!!!). Yes, however you may feel about your spouse and what they have done, you can only start with you.

You have to start taking steps back towards the central line. You have to start behaving in a godly way. As you start to do this a few things happen;

1. Firstly, you automatically reduce the gap between you, because you have come back towards the center. You are no longer doing many of the things that annoy them and make them resentful etc.
2. Secondly, the fact that you are behaving so much better draws them back in. They no longer have so much to be annoyed about. The atmosphere becomes lighter and more enjoyable. They will find themselves wanting to spend more time with you and even do things for you.
3. Thirdly, and most importantly, your obedience frees God to work in the marriage. God will move to protect and help you and will work in your spouse to change them.

It will not always be easy and it will not happen overnight, but once God starts something he does finish it. He will be with you throughout. He will protect you, guide you and bless you. As you work with God you will see supernatural intervention in your relationship. Over time your relationship will move back towards God's intended ideal and you will find yourself happier and more fulfilled that you ever have been.

You have to make a decision that you are going to do what you can, to work with God, to have a happy marriage.

I cannot cover a full marriage guidance course here, so I am going to set out some basic principles from God's word. At the end I have recommended some books that have really helped me and some scriptures to study. However, the most important thing is prayer. Start praying about your marriage.

The sexual relationship within a marriage is very important and is covered separately on this website.

(At this stage I would like to say that if you are suffering abuse, you should remove yourself, and children, from the enviroment, seek help and pray from a safe distance.)

Set out below are two sections, one for women and one for men. By all means read each others, but focus on your own section. Remember, this is about what you can do, so don't read the other section and then go and tell your spouse all the ungodly things they are doing!

Women

You might want to take a deep breath here. This is hard, believe me I know. But it is God's will and it works! You will not find this advice in Cosmopolitan Magazine, but then how many marriages have been saved by articles in that and other similar magazines.

God sets out lines of authority in the Bible. You need to understand when you are in authority and when you are under authority. If you understand authority and submit to the right authority, God will protect you. If you do not submit to the right authority, you will come out from under God's protection and carry burdens that you were never intended to carry. These burdens will weigh you down and suck the joy out of your life. Today, too many women are carrying burdens that they were never intended to carry and it is ruining their lives.

God placed the man as the head of the household. Women are instructed to submit to their husbands (told you it was hard). Submission is not oppression, submission is a voluntary action. You cannot be made to submit if you do not want to, you can be oppressed but that is something else entirely. The Bible tells women to willingly submit to their husbands and accept that they are the head of the household. In doing so, you release yourself from the burdens that are a yoke around your neck. Submitting to your husband is trusting God.

If you are someone that is used to 'doing everything', the idea of submitting will seem frightening. It will not be something that will happen overnight, but you can start by accepting it as a basic principle. Let me say here that submission does not mean doing things that are wrong or ungodly, or things that hurt you.

How do you submit? You start by honouring and respecting your husband. You consult him on all decisions, and give him chance to make important ones. (Even if he says to you, 'you decide', he has made a decision to let you decide). You speak to and about him respectfully. You stop telling everyone who will listen everything he is doing wrong. You build him up and esteem him. You stop nagging, it doesn't do any good anyway. You don't tear him down and destroy him, because if you do, you destroy yourself. Remember, you are joined as one, when you speak against him you speak against yourself. If you want to be treated as a queen, then treat your husband as a king!

You have to trust God in this. If you are obedient, God will protect and care for you. He will give you double for your trouble.

Men

God made the man the head of the household. With this position comes great responsibility and accountability. The Bible tells women to submit to their husbands, but it is not easy for them to do this if they feel like you are abdicating your responsibilities. In our modern age of feminism it is far to easy for men to sit back and let women take responsibilty and make decisions. However, it is not meant to be like this, women are carrying burdens that they are not created to carry. They become worn out and resentful and often this is expressed in a bitter tongue. Life becomes a yoke around their neck. Men, however, are created to be the authority in the household and it should be a mantle.

Women long for a knight in shining armour to carry them away and make everything better. You can be that knight in shining armour. Start to take responsibilty, make decisions. Treat her like a fairy princess and she will treat you like a prince.

However, you should not abuse authority. The Bible says that husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. You should be prepared to lay down your life for her. Are you? You should love your wife as you love yourself. If you don't feel this way about your wife it will show in your words and actions.

Regardless of how your wife treats you, today you can make a decision to do things God's way. Love her as you do your own body.

Both of you

Here are some steps that either of you can decide to do to take a step back towards the central line.

1. Make  yourself available to spend more time together.
2. Take an interest in their work and hobbies.
3. Be supportative in whatever they are doing.
4. Speak nicely, to and about them.
5. Do not accuse.
6. Find out what makes them feel appreciated and do it.
7. Put them above parents, friends and work colleagues.
8. Make sure your sexual relationship is Godly, see separate page.
9. Pray, pray and pray.

Here are some books that helped me:

Power of a praying wife (or husband) by Stormie OMartian

Captivating (for women) or Wild at Heart (for men) by John Eldredge

Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy and Karen Evans

Scriptures: Prov 18:22, Mark 10:2-9, 1 Cor 11:3, Eph 5:21-30, 1Peter 3:1-7, Prov 31:10-31