Can God Really Help You?

Sex may seem like a very controversial subject to lead into with the phrase ‘can god really help you’, however sex is God’s idea and he has an awful lot to say about it in the Bible. Unfortunately it is not a topic that the church tends to mention too often, unless the sermon is on the seventh commandment (thou shall not commit adultery), David and Bathsheba (adultery) or the woman caught in the act of adultery brought to Jesus. The only other time the church tends to voice its opinion on sex is in relation to homosexuality and whether it is acceptable in God’s eyes.

Sex, however, tends to be a subject that occupies a lot of peoples thoughts a lot of the time. It is therefore unfortunate that the majority of the advice out there comes from a worldly view and not a biblical view. This leaves many people floundering with a distorted view of sex and what it is all about and nowhere to turn to for help when things go wrong. One of the main reasons for this is probably embarrassment, which is a shame because God wasn’t embarrassed to talk about sex at all.

The world’s view about sex tends to be that anything goes as long as no one is being hurt. Unfortunately this is a very naive view, because someone is always hurt if the act is out of line with God’s word. It is because people are hurt that God is so protective about it, for very good reasons. Sex with the wrong person or in the wrong context can easily lead to the following problems;

1. Unwanted pregnancies.
2. Disease.
3. Break up of families.
4. Emotional damage.

God is not against sex, he is not a spoilsport trying to make your life miserable. God is very much for sex. He created sex for two purposes, firstly for reproduction and secondly as a means by which a man and woman are completely united. God created the first man, Adam, and then he created the first woman, Eve. He said to them;
      “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” Gen 2:24.
It was God’s intention that a husband and wife became completely united in spirit, soul and body. The act of sexual intercourse was an expression of this unity. It was never intended to be purely a physical act; it is supposed to go way beyond that to a spiritual and emotional experience, a complete coming together of man and woman. To truly experience sex as it was meant to be means a complete surrendering of oneself. This is God’s true desire for a sexual relationship; it is actually a wonderful gift from him. Sex is supposed to be a good thing, unfortunately when it becomes misused it very quickly becomes a bad thing and the damage and hurt to individuals is heartbreaking.

God sent his son Jesus into the world to save us, not condemn us. He is not up there looking down in anger on all the sexual sin and judging us. No, he is looking down on us and his heart is breaking for us, because we are hurting ourselves. He wants to help us have more enjoyable lives and fulfilling relationships. Unfortunately, most of the time, we are too busy buying into all the lies that the world tells us. We would rather take advice from magazines or friends than from the one person who truly has our best interests at heart. When Jesus was on the cross he said;
      “Father forgive them for they know not what they do”. Luke 23:34
When he said this he wasn’t just referring to the fact that they were crucifying him, he was referring to all sin. Most times we don’t mean to do the wrong thing; we simply don’t know what we are doing. God said that his people perished for lack of knowledge. So many people today are perishing through lack of knowledge.

Are you struggling with your sex life? Do you think that there has to be something better? Well the good news is that there can be. God wants to help you. Jesus came to set you free, to give you an abundant life. It is never too late to put things right.

Sexual desire has to be awakened within you. It is God’s idea that this is awakened on your wedding night by your spouse. Unfortunately, for the majority of people (probably 99%) this does not happen. Sexual desire is awakened far too early, often through no fault of your own. The desire will grow within you and lead you to seek out experiences to fulfil it. This desire very quickly becomes lust and lust can never be satisfied. The more you give into it, the greater the hold it will have on you.

For most people the problems begin in childhood. In cases of sexual abuse, this is easily identifiable, but for most people it is usually far more subtle. In fact, most people look back and don’t even realise that there was a problem. It is only when you acknowledge that you would like things to change that you start to look back with fresh eyes and begin to see where the problems began.

As children we were exposed to things that we were not meant to see. The bar for what is sexually acceptable in the news and broadcast media is continually being lowered. Adults didn’t think, or even care what they did or said in front of us. It awakened desire within us and we started experimenting. The more we experienced, the more we wanted to experience. It took more each time to give a thrill and satisfy us. In the beginning a smile was enough, then holding hands, then a kiss.....and so on. Our thought life encouraged us, we fantasized and daydreamed. Our friends were all equally exposed, so we went through it together. No one thought it was wrong. We had this vague idea that we should wait until we married, but it felt nice and what was the harm, everyone was doing it. That relationship ended and the next one began.

The second problem we encounter is our desire to be loved. We were created to love and be loved. Our souls crave it. If we do not properly receive this love in our formative years we form a distorted view of love and start to seek it elsewhere. Often this is through a sexual relationship. As I have already said, sex was created to be an act of complete love and unity. Deep down we instinctively know this so we set off ourselves to try and achieve this feeling of love and unity. When we are not successful, we keep trying, because we know that somehow, somewhere, it is possible.

Why does it go so wrong, so often, if God doesn’t want it to? Even more to the point, why does it happen when we don’t really want it to? You see, we don’t want it to because most girls want a knight in shining armour and most men want to be that knight in shining armour. Deep down, we want the whole romantic love story. That’s why we love Gone with the Wind, Pride and Prejudiced, Pretty Woman, not to mention Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella etc.

It goes wrong because, as I said earlier, most of the time we, and the people around us, simply do not understand what we are doing.

To improve and enjoy your sex life you need to give it over to God. Start praying about it and ask him to reveal the areas that you need to deal with. It is rarely a straightforward process because your whole life is entwined and it is like opening a can of worms. There will probably be many different issues to resolve. However, you can know this, God loves you, he is for you not against you and Jesus is at his right hand praying for you. You can be fulfilled in this area of your life.

God said “my people perish through lack of knowledge”. You need to know what the Bible says about sex. The major areas are covered below and there is some further recommended reading at the end. Firstly read about God's goodness and his answers, secondly read about specific sexual activity and acknowledge the areas where you are sinning and thirdly read how to set the past behind you and start moving forward.

Love
We were created to love and be loved. The first place we need to look for this love is through a relationship with God. To truly be victorious in your life you need to get a revelation of God’s love for you. For most people it is difficult to recognise pure love because they have never experienced it. Even good parents are imperfect people. To understand what pure love looks like read 1 Corinthians 13. This is the chapter on love often read at weddings. It is how God loves us. Read it and meditate on it until you get it. Tell yourself daily that God loves you, he does, so start believing and receiving it. Ask him to reveal his love for you. (Then email and tell us how he did it)

Your perception of love is vitally important when it comes to your sex life. If you have a distorted view of love you may well have a distorted view of sex. Just because someone wants to have sex with you does not mean that they love you. So many people make the mistake of looking for love through sex. A sexual relationship should arise out of the love that two people feel for each other, not the other way round.

If you are having problems in your sex life, the first area of your life you need to look at is your ‘love life’. You need to start looking to God for the love you need. Love has to start with God. If you put first things first, then second things will sort themselves out.

Forgiveness
Once you have accepted Jesus as your Saviour all your sins are forgiven. The Bible tells us that they are as far as from the east as west. God has forgiven and forgotten everything. He holds nothing against you. Many people carry around the guilt of sexual sin, particularly Christians who feel that they knew they were doing wrong at the time. If you are one of these people, start today with a new revelation....whatever you have done, you are forgiven! God does not hold it against you, so don’t hold it against yourself. It was all covered on the cross. Whatever you may have done, what Jesus did was greater. God did not sacrifice his only son as a half hearted measure. It was sufficient to cover every sin you ever did or thought of doing.

God is not concerned about sexual sin in your life because he is judging you; he is concerned because you are hurting yourself. When you engage in sexual sin you hurt yourself and God’s heart breaks for you. God is trying to reach you to help you, but unfortunately so often we back away from him, thinking he is angry and coming to judge us. God is not mad, he is trying to help.

Forgiveness is important not only for you, but also for other people. If you have made mistakes sexually, there was probably someone else involved. You may think that it was their fault. Maybe they didn’t protect you, or they led you astray, or even abused you. You have to forgive them. Forgiveness benefits you, it sets you free. It is like setting a prisoner free and then discovering that prisoner was you. You will not be able to move on and have a healthy sex life if you are carrying around unforgiveness. If you are having trouble forgiving someone, ask God to help you, or find someone you can trust to pray with you.

A final note on forgiveness; do not be afraid to acknowledge that you need to forgive your spouse. So many people carry around bitterness and resentment towards their spouse for past hurts and often the spouse is not even aware of it. If you are one of these people, confess everything to God (maybe even write it down, then destroy it), cast it upon God and start on a road to victory.

Mercy
God is merciful. His mercy endures forever. Whatever you have done, you are never beyond God’s mercy. You have not ‘blown it’. So many people think that they do not deserve to have good things happen because they have made mistakes. Are you one of these people? Did you meet the perfect person and treat them badly? Do you regret past relationships? Did you get involved in things you wish you hadn’t? Maybe you had an abortion or caught a disease, or maybe there are photographs (or films) you wish had never been taken, or even a drunken (or worse sober) night of adultery.  Are you hiding secrets that you fear would wreck your marriage if found out?  Do you wish you could turn back the clock?

No doubt David wished he could turn back the clock after his night of adultery with Bathsheba. He didn’t just commit adultery; he made it worse by lying and then murdering her husband, and David should have known better. Yet David was not beyond mercy, he and Bathsheba went on to have a son, Solomon, through whom the Messiah was descended. It hardly seems fair on Uriah (Bathsheba’s husband) does it? Why was God so merciful to David? David was ‘a man after God’s own heart’, he knew God was a good and merciful God and God met him right there.

God will meet you where you are. If you believe in God’s goodness and mercy, you will see his goodness and mercy. God will put things right for you. He won’t do it because of who you are; he will do it because of who he is. The world may say “you don’t deserve it”, but grace and mercy say “I love you and I’m going to give you your heart’s desire”.

Don’t focus on what you have done, focus on what Jesus did. Fix your thoughts on God’s love, goodness and mercy. Believe that he wants to help. He wants you to enjoy your sex life and he will help you do so.

Fornication
Fornication means having sexual relations outside of marriage. The Bible states very clearly that this is not God’s will. Why is this? As already stated, sex is the ultimate fulfilling act between two people who are in love and committed to each other. If you are in love and committed to each other, surely you will want to marry. If you don’t want to marry, it usually means that deep down one or both of you are not entirely sure about the other person. This reservation will mean that you hold part of yourself back for fear of being hurt, so the sex will not be all it should be and resentment and bitterness will start to take root. Even if you eventually marry you will take these bitter roots into the marriage and over the years they will fester and grow. If you do not marry and eventually split, you will carry emotional hurt into your next relationship.

When you have sex with someone, you submit part of yourself to them and also form a soul tie (a soul tie is a spiritual bond that can cause problems, more about soul ties later). The more people you have sex with, the more of yourself you submit and the more soul ties you let in. Often people reach a point where they no longer even know who they are or what they want. They become incapable of having a true fulfilling sexual relationship and it is simply about physical pleasure and lust. As stated earlier, lust can never be satisfied; it will consume and destroy you. Many young people are led into sex before marriage because they start a relationship with someone who is already consumed with lust. This person may even be a virgin, but their sexual desires have been awakened before they should have been.

If you are having sexual problems there is a high probability that you engaged in some form of fornication.

Fantasizing
To fantasize means to indulge in fantasies of the imagination, or imagine something as a fantasy. It includes daydreaming and thinking about things. This is one of the most common, yet dangerous areas when it comes to sexual sin. You see, no one knows you are doing it and there is virtually no chance of you being caught and held to account by other people.

It is a common misconception that ‘to sin’ means actually doing the deed. However, Jesus taught differently. He taught that you are as accountable for your thoughts as you are for your deeds. He said that having anger in your heart is the same as murder and looking at a woman lustfully is the same as committing adultery. Why is this, surely it is worse to actually do the deed?  The reason is that we are what we think about. Often it is only lack of opportunity or fear of accountability that stops us doing the things we know are wrong.

Recently we have read of the transgressions of the famous golfer Tiger Woods. These transgressions will have started out as thoughts, fantasizing and daydreaming. Because of who he was and the money he earned, opportunities presented themselves. He took these opportunities because he had been thinking about it. Maybe at the beginning he was afraid of being caught, but the longer he got away with it, the more he did it. There are millions of men out there who think the same thoughts as Tiger Woods, the only difference is that the opportunity does not easily present itself or they are afraid of being caught and suffering the consequences. However, it is not only men. Millions of women are caught up in their day dreams. It is usually a variation on the knight in shining armour theme, a relationship with a certain man (real or imagined) who will look after them, provide for them and desire them.

If you are fantasizing about a relationship with anyone other than your spouse, whatever form it takes, you are sinning. You are hurting yourself. This also includes fantasizing when you are having sex with your spouse. If your mind is elsewhere, then it is not with them.

The Bible tells us that we need to bring every thought into line with Jesus. This may sound impossible, but it isn’t. We are frequently taught that God gave us free will and scientists have recently discovered that we have a free will section in the brain. All thoughts go through this free will section and we can choose to reject them. You can learn to control your thoughts and when you do you will see a vast improvement in your life.

Think about what you are thinking about. If you are locked into daydreams ask God to show you what the underlying problem is. You may need healing or even deliverance (this is covered later).

Resolve to start controlling your thought life, because as you will see, it affects pretty much everything.

Adultery
We are not going to spend a lot of time on adultery because it is probably the one sexual activity that most people acknowledge is wrong, even in todays sexually liberated world. However, there are a couple of points;
1. As set out above, Jesus said that if you look at a woman lustfully you have committed adultery. If you are thinking about it, you are doing it. Think about your spouse, not someone else.
2. It is never, never, never , ever God’s will that you commit adultery. He does not send someone into your life to help or console you sexually, whatever the circumstances of your marriage. It does not matter how right it feels, it is wrong. Do not trust your feelings, they can easily deceive you. You need to put your marriage right, not go elsewhere.

Pornography
The Bible does not specifically mention pornography, but it does say ‘set no vile thing before your eyes’. Pornography is spiritually and emotionally dangerous.

There are various entry points for corrupting your spirit and soul. One of these is called ‘the eye gate’. Whatever you see enters the eye gate and lodges itself inside you. When you look at pornographic images they take up residence in your mind and a stronghold of lust starts to develop. This stronghold demands to be fed by more images. This is why people become addicted to pornography. It starts simply enough, but before they know where they are it starts to consume them. It takes over their lives and demands more and more. The soft porn images that it started with no longer satisfy and it takes more hardcore images.

Pornography corrupts you and it will corrupt your relationship. Pornography is a lie. The people you are looking at are not even enjoying what they are doing. They are pretending. Often they are being exploited and by looking at it you are participating in the exploitation.

You will not have a satisfying and enjoyable sex life with your spouse if you look at pornography.

A pornography addiction can be harder to defeat than many other sexual problems; it is easier never to go there. If you do have a problem, read the sections at the end on defeating sexual sin, but seriously consider getting outside help. Find some Godly people to pray with and hold you accountable.

Books:
Every Mans Battle by Fred Stoeker and Stephen Arterburn
Every Womans Battle by Shannon Ethridge

Masturbation
Masturbation, like pornography, is not specifically mentioned in the Bible. Because of this and the fact that it doesn’t involve anyone else, many people will say that it is okay. However, if you understand God’s heart for sex, you will understand that masturbation is not his intended way. Sex is not meant to be something you do to yourself, alone. It is meant to be a shared experience.

The most dangerous thing about masturbation is that you need to use your imagination and fantasize while you are doing it. This goes back to the section on fantasizing. It will never be truly satisfying and can easily lead to other things.

Oral Sex
This is another area not covered in the Bible. The issues to consider with oral sex are:
1. Think about how you are using the body parts and whether it is really what God intended. In her book, Kissed the Girls and Made them Cry, Lisa Bevere put it like this, ‘is a woman’s throat the correct place for a man’s seed?’
2. Are both of you comfortable with what you are doing? It is not God’s will for one person to feel uncomfortable or dirty. If you love each other you will consider each other’s feelings.
3. Think about the thought and motivation behind it. Is it a loving act, or are there perverted thoughts going on.

Unusual positions
There are many different positions for sexual intercourse and the Bible does not give any guidance. The key issues are similar to above:
1. Are both of you comfortable?
2. Is it physically safe?
3. Consider the thought and motivation behind it.

Anal Sex
Is this God’s intended use for this part of the body?

Perversions
Sex is intended to be a loving act between a man and a woman. It is not intended to be dangerous or painful. If you enjoy giving or receiving pain, you have far deeper problems than sexual issues. You need to set sex aside and seek God to help resolve these other problems first.

Homosexuality
It may not be politically correct, but the Bible is clear on its stance on homosexuality. It is God’s will that sex is between a married man and woman only. If you want help to leave homosexuality behind, God can and will help. However, if you are here to find out if God will help you enjoy sex in a homosexual relationship, unfortunately the answer is no.

Dealing with sexual sin and strongholds
As you have read the above, you may have identified areas of sexual sin in your life. If you want to move forward to enjoy a truly fulfilling sex life, as God intended it, you will have to deal with these areas of sin. The good news is that you don’t have to do it alone, God will help you. It will not happen overnight and you may need help from other Christians, but the sooner you make a start the better. Set out below are some simple steps to follow.
1. Acknowledge the problem. You cannot deal with any problem if you do not acknowledge that it is there. As soon as you acknowledge an issue that needs dealing with, you bring it out into the light and it immediately loses some of its power. You will instantly feel some of the weight lift off you. If you keep things suppressed, you keep them in the dark and they fester and grow, their power over you growing too. Acknowledging a problem is a sign of strength. Here’s a newsflash...God already knows what the problem is anyway. He needs you to realise what it is so he can start helping you.
2. Don’t make excuses. There will be reasons why you are struggling in certain areas, but they are not an excuse to stay that way. If you keep making excuses, you will not deal with the issues. Accept that mistakes have been made, by yourself and other people, but that it is time to move forward. Jesus covered all the mistakes on the cross.
3. Pray. Prayer is talking to God. He loves to hear from you. Do not be embarrassed to speak to God about sex. He wants to be involved in every area of your life, including your sex life. Pray about everything. Ask him for help with your problems. Pray before you have sex with your spouse and ask for his help, ask him to bless you.
4. Cast your care. The Bible tells us to cast our cares on God because he cares for us. You need to start casting your cares. As you think of things that are worrying you, give it to God. Tell God all about it and then tell him that you are giving it to him to deal with. Once you have cast your care do not snatch it back. Believe that God is dealing with it.
5. Ask for healing. The Bible is clear that it is God’s will that we are healed. Jesus covered healing on the cross, ‘by his stripes we are healed’. This includes emotional and physical healing. As you recall past hurts, ask God to heal you. Emotional damage usually has several different layers to it and as you deal with one thing, another will rear its head. Keep giving it to God and each time ask him to heal you. If you need physical healing read the healing section on this website. God will heal sexually transmitted diseases, or other ailments arising from sexual activity, they are not excluded.
6. Cut it out. Jesus said that if a part of our body caused us to sin we were to cut it off and throw it away. It is better to lose a part of your body than for the whole body to be thrown into hell. Do not tolerate sin in your life. It is better to go through the pain of removal than to allow the sin to bring judgement. Examine your life for anything that causes you to sin and take every necessary action to remove it. This may mean ending a relationship, throwing away your television or computer, changing jobs, moving house or church or changing your social activities. Hopefully for most of you it will only be minor changes, but be prepared to do what you have to.
7. Resist temptation. There are many levels to resisting temptation, but sometimes it is as simple as turning our backs and walking away. Remember he that is in you (Jesus) is greater than he that is in the world (Satan), and you can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens you.
8. Become accountable. If you are struggling in a certain area, find good Christian friends that you can trust to help you work out the problem. Ask God to show you who you can trust, or alternately to send someone to help you. Confess the problem and ask them watch out for you and hold you accountable.
9. No condemnation. The Bible tells us that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Jesus came to set us free, not condemn us. If you feel guilty, or under condemnation, it will be more difficult for you to defeat the problem. Condemnation makes us feel bad about ourselves and usually drives us back into the arms of sin. Instead of giving way to feelings of guilt or worthlessness, praise God that he sent his son to set you free. Rejoice in what Jesus did for you.

Deliverance
Here comes the controversial bit! When Jesus was on earth he spent a lot of time casting out unclean spirits and demons. The modern day church has a tendency to ignore this part of his ministry. Demons and unclean spirits are as big a problem today as they were in Jesus day, and they are having a field day because most Christians are totally ignorant about them and the church skirts around the issue. There is also a common misconception that you cannot be a Christian and have a demon or unclean spirit inside you. Anybody who has experience in this area will tell you that this is simply not true.

If you have a serious problem with sexual sin in your life, you may well have one or more spirits inside you. These spirits can enter a variety of ways, but sexual activity is one of the most common ways. Do you sometimes get urges that seem to overwhelm you, or thoughts that come into your head as if someone has just spoken to you, almost as if you don’t know where they come from?

Demons and unclean spirits have to bow to the name of Jesus. They can be cast out of you. This is known as deliverance. You may need to go forward in a prayer line for help with this, but you will not achieve victory unless the issue is dealt with.

Soul Ties
A soul tie is a bond between two people in the spiritual realm. A husband and wife will have a soul tie. However, if you have engaged in sexual activity with anyone other than your spouse, you may well have a soul tie to that person and anyone else they had relations with before you. Soul ties draw people together. This is often why you can be drawn into or continue in a relationship with someone you don’t even like. Soul ties allow the influence of that person to continue in your life and prevent you from forgetting them.

If you think that you may have ungodly soul ties, then you need to sever them. Firstly ask God to help you make a list of people and connected sexual sin that needs to be dealt with. Then;
• Repent of the sin.
• Forgive the person if you still hold something against them.
• Dispose of any items that may hold an emotional connection to that person.
• Say “in Jesus name I now renounce, break and sever any ungodly soul tie between myself and                  “.
• In the name of Jesus, renounce any vows you may have made to them, for example ‘I will always love you’.             

Sex within marriage
Sex is one of God’s gifts to us. He wants sex to be motivated by love and commitment, not lust. It is for mutual pleasure, not selfish enjoyment.

To get the most enjoyment out of sex, you must first give of yourself. You must submit your mind and your body. Once we marry, our bodies no longer belong to us, they belong to our spouse. We are to love each other’s body as if they are our own. The husband and wife are meant to selflessly give to each other in the act of making love. If both do this, the experience will be all that God intended.

Do not buy into the lie that you need to look after yourself and think about your own needs. This will stop you truly enjoying sex. When we give, we receive. When you make love, think about your spouse. Think that you are making love to them. If you do things God’s way, he will care for and protect you. The more you put in, the more you will get out.

The Bible also tells us that a husband and wife are not to deny each other, unless by mutual consent for a period of prayer and fasting. We are created to desire each other and this desire should not be suppressed. This means that a married couple should not allow long periods of time to elapse between making love. (Be sensible and reasonable here, there may be occasions when one person does not feel like it and this is part of ordinary married life)

Sex must never ever be used as a weapon within a marriage. If you do use sex as a weapon you are committing sexual sin and it is something God will really not be happy about. Stop it now, repent and ask your spouse’s forgiveness.

What if one of you no longer fancies the other? If one person knows the other no longer desires them it is like a knife turning inside them. Sexual rejection goes to the core of a person’s being. If you are the person that has lost the desire, ask God to give you this desire back. If you are the rejected person, ensure that you are not sinning, ask God to give your spouse their desire back and ask him in the meantime to heal the pain of rejection and to put your desires to sleep until your spouse is ready to resume sexual relations. Do not use it as an excuse to go away and sin. If you are faithful God will answer your prayers.

Further reading:

Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry by Lisa Bevere